Apologies in advance, this isn't really a happy post - well, until the end - but I felt like I should share what's been going on. I know I'm not alone. It's helped me to know that, when reading that other people - particularly other model horse people - have been having struggles. Maybe this will help someone else someday.
"I'm feeling... happy, and that's a big deal... for me."
- Marlin, Finding Nemo
I'm still... adrift... dealing with remnants of the depression that grips me this time every year. (my daughter's birthday, followed closely by Mother's Day = it's a stiff one-two punch in the heart and the gut)
It occurs to me that there have been many days lately when I just don't feel... anything. I've noticed that Jeff and my friends here have asked me repeatedly lately if I'm okay. I say: yeah, I don't feel bad, but, I don't feel... anything. I finally talked to Jeff about it a couple of nights ago. I told him that if I had to label it, I'd say I feel numb and disconnected from everything. He said that's actually a sign of serious depression.
On the studio front, I have been quietly working on some projects; a few new saddle pads, as well as a few Arabian costumes. I'm excited about them, but the feeling seems to be brief and fleeting. I guess I just haven't felt like "talking" about them, or anything really.
Today I took a big step, or a couple, to try and get myself out of this "rut".
This morning I met with a personal trainer/nutritionist to take the first steps towards getting back in shape and being healthier. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I feel overwhelmed and decided that I'd like a professional to at least help me get started.
This afternoon, I swallowed what little pride I have and had a professional organizer come by the house. The house as a whole is not that bad, some clutter spots here and there, but my main reason for having her come over is... my studio room. I just can't get it figured out. It's never been one of those picture perfect creative spaces (who really has that??), but it's out of control here. I don't like being in there, it used to be my happy space. Now it's just another mess in my life that I have to deal with - and don't want to/don't know how to. Again, I decided it was time to call in professional back up.
We started off by looking at the room and discussing a 3 page list I'd come up with outlining the challenges I see, and what I want to have in there. She told me her ideas. Then we went from talking about academic organizational type of stuff to discussing time management and goal setting. I told her that I feel like I have no goals or dreams right now, I haven't for a while, and that I feel like I've just been drifting - for a long time. It turns out that she offers not just physical organization of rooms and "stuff", but also help with time management, scheduling, and so on. We ended up having a good talk about those types of things and how getting my creative space organized will help in the happiness department - I do firmly believe that. I think everything is connected.
I know some people with depression take medication and it helps them. Many of my close friends and family are in that camp. I'm happy for them, though I want to try something different. I want to work on fixing up my environment and my body, to fix up my mind and feelings. I've done it before and it works for me.
A few years ago I went through a brief period of intense personal growth. I was taking dressage lessons and also belly dancing lessons. I was learning so much about my body and my mind, it was fascinating to learn how things are connected.
I feel like I'm on the edge of another period of self discovery.
I feel... excited.