Monday, May 16, 2016

Still Floundering, But... Excited

Apologies in advance, this isn't really a happy post - well, until the end - but I felt like I should share what's been going on.  I know I'm not alone.  It's helped me to know that, when reading that other people - particularly other model horse people - have been having struggles.  Maybe this will help someone else someday.

"I'm feeling...  happy, and that's a big deal...  for me."
- Marlin, Finding Nemo


I'm still... adrift... dealing with remnants of the depression that grips me this time every year.  (my daughter's birthday, followed closely by Mother's Day = it's a stiff one-two punch in the heart and the gut)

It occurs to me that there have been many days lately when I just don't feel...  anything.  I've noticed that Jeff and my friends here have asked me repeatedly lately if I'm okay.  I say: yeah, I don't feel bad, but, I don't feel...  anything.  I finally talked to Jeff about it a couple of nights ago.  I told him that if I had to label it, I'd say I feel numb and disconnected from everything.  He said that's actually a sign of serious depression.

On the studio front, I have been quietly working on some projects; a few new saddle pads, as well as a few Arabian costumes.  I'm excited about them, but the feeling seems to be brief and fleeting.  I guess I just haven't felt like "talking" about them, or anything really.

Today I took a big step, or a couple, to try and get myself out of this "rut".

This morning I met with a personal trainer/nutritionist to take the first steps towards getting back in shape and being healthier.  It's something I've wanted to do for a long time, but I feel overwhelmed and decided that I'd like a professional to at least help me get started.

This afternoon, I swallowed what little pride I have and had a professional organizer come by the house.  The house as a whole is not that bad, some clutter spots here and there, but my main reason for having her come over is...  my studio room.  I just can't get it figured out.  It's never been one of those picture perfect creative spaces (who really has that??), but it's out of control here.  I don't like being in there, it used to be my happy space.  Now it's just another mess in my life that I have to deal with - and don't want to/don't know how to.  Again, I decided it was time to call in professional back up.

We started off by looking at the room and discussing a 3 page list I'd come up with outlining the challenges I see, and what I want to have in there.  She told me her ideas.  Then we went from talking about academic organizational type of stuff to discussing time management and goal setting.  I told her that I feel like I have no goals or dreams right now, I haven't for a while, and that I feel like I've just been drifting - for a long time.  It turns out that she offers not just physical organization of rooms and "stuff", but also help with time management, scheduling, and so on.  We ended up having a good talk about those types of things and how getting my creative space organized will help in the happiness department - I do firmly believe that.  I think everything is connected.

I know some people with depression take medication and it helps them.  Many of my close friends and family are in that camp.  I'm happy for them, though I want to try something different.  I want to work on fixing up my environment and my body, to fix up my mind and feelings.  I've done it before and it works for me.

A few years ago I went through a brief period of intense personal growth.  I was taking dressage lessons and also belly dancing lessons.  I was learning so much about my body and my mind, it was fascinating to learn how things are connected.

I feel like I'm on the edge of another period of self discovery.

I feel...  excited.


  1. I wish you the best! I had a revival period of my own, several actually, in the past year/year and a half. It can only get better as that's what I've come to find. Our happy places are out there, sometimes it just a long walk to find them. Best wishes,

    1. Thank you, so much. Those are some very wise words. I haven't given up, I'm still walking. ;)