I finished my NaMoPaiMo horse today. The last year has been... hard. I tried to focus on the good in my year in review post, but there was a lot of hard stuff too. Such is life? I have been grieving on different levels. Friendships lost after a disastrous trip that was supposed to be a childhood dream come true. Grieving leaving Japan and the friends I made there. The distance from a people and culture that I feel aligns strongly with my values, and a place that felt safe, refreshing, beautiful, spiritual. Our house hunt was a trial beyond words and the trial didn't stop when we finally found a place. It's full of problems. I could go on, but I'm still trying to stay positive through it all. Trying.
Back to the horse, I started painting him before the middle of the month, Way early for me, the Queen/Captain of Team Last Minute - who painted her entire large Traditional scale horse on the LAST day of the first NaMoPaiMo. This year, I was going to do it differently. I was going to start early and venture into the exciting world of using pigments. A solution to really the only downside of acrylics - difficulties blending.
On the 14th I talked to my Granny, the woman who raised me. She wasn't feeling well, but said she'd be okay in a couple of days. I told her I loved her. On the 16th, she passed suddenly. I have been feeling utterly destroyed.
For a week I couldn't attempt to create anything. I thought surely "making" would help me. A love of creating things is one of the biggest things I got from Granny. But I couldn't do it. I sat at my desk, moved paint bottles around, and cried. Day after day.
Two days ago, I thought that I should come up with a meaningful name for my NaMoPaiMo horse, just in case I could pull up out of the downward spiral in time to finish him. I spent an evening searching various inspirations, nothing clicked.
That night, in the shower, I started humming a song from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. The more I thought about it, I realized he had a name.
Sound The Bugle
Well, then I had to get him finished. Yesterday, I sat down, took a deep breath, started mixing paints, and he started coming to life.
Today, after another emotional breakdown, followed more ridiculous drama with the house/our neighborhood (guns are involved), I put on some upbeat pop music and finished painting.
Sound The Bugle
Bryan Adams
Sound the bugle now
Play it just for me
As the seasons change
Remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on
I can't even start
I got nothing left
Just an empty heart
I'm a soldier, wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me
Lead me away
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now
Tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know
That leads to anywhere
Without a light I
Fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down
Decide not to go on
Then from on high
Somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls
Remember who you are
If you lose yourself
Your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight
Remember who you are
Yeah, you're a soldier now
Fighting in a battle
To be free once more
Yeah, that's worth fighting for
You really are a winner.
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