Free As My Hair

This is going to be more of a personal post.  Maybe it's a weird one.  Over the last year or two, or three, I've debated sharing here what's been happening in my life "under the surface" and, obviously - judging by the complete lack of posts - I decided not to.  Some of my readers know well what's gone on over the past... 3 years, others may not.  I'm not going to go into all or even a lot of the details, but I wanted to share this.  

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Long story short, all I will say here now about my last relationship is that he was very controlling.  To the point, relevant to this post, that he had opinions, and made many comments about, my hair and how I kept it.  I think pretty much anyone who saw me over the past several years, saw my hair in a tight ponytail, or a braid.  If it was down (rarely) it was brushed straight, flat, lifeless.  I've long hated my hair.  It's baby fine, straighter than straight - it will NOT hold a curl or style.  He wanted it long and  always brushed out.  I suppose I didn't have much of an opinion, I mostly just wanted it out of my way, so a ponytail it was 99% of the time.  

Fast forward through a lot of emotional abuse, heartbreak, abandonment, divorce, and assorted trivia.  In the summer of 2022, I moved to Minnesota, to an area where the only person I had met beforehand was my new landlord.  I moved Bo, Tealight, Jabba, about 100 chickens, and all my worldly possessions.   I decided I was DONE with relationships.  My goal was to be the crazy chicken lady alone in the north woods.  

Ha.

Instead of my plans, I met the most incredible man.

I remember early on, not long after we met, one day my hair was loose and just wild.  I kind of laughed and said, "Wow, my hair is crazy right now." 

He flashed me the biggest smile and exclaimed, "It's EPIC!"  He didn't know much about my ex at that point, certainly not about the hair stuff.  But that moment stuck with me and...

I haven't brushed my hair in well over a year.

Which might seem crazy.  I pick through it with my fingers now and then and it's only up sometimes, usually in a messy bun, when I'm doing farm chores.  Otherwise, I just let it be wild.  I actually like my hair now.

I've told a few people about this story and it might seem minor to some, but to me it's an example of how I've never felt more understood, accepted, supported, and loved for who I am.

I'm still dealing with a lot of damage and demons, but another memorable moment is when I was trying to decide what to about something and I was feeling twisted up by the past. 

He smiled at me and said,  "Guess what?  You're free!  You can do whatever you want!"

Here I am with my wild hair, in my wild studio, earlier today.  

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As for the title of this post, Lady Gaga has a song called "Hair" in which she says: 

"I just wanna be myself
And I want you to love me for who I am
I just wanna be myself
And I want you to know, I am my hair

I've had enough, this is my prayer
That I'll die living just as free as my hair"

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My hair really is free these days and it's pretty great.